Safety
by readysetgoaway
Summary: We all find safety in different things, it's only a coincidence that you find it whenever you're with the Matthews.


You haven't felt like yourself in months and you don't really know why. Some nights you'll wake up in a sheen of sweat and you'll cry for everything that you've lost and you almost feel like yourself until you don't. You wonder if you'll ever be like you were again.

Sometimes when the nightmares are bad you'll go downstairs and play an old home video from when you were three. You mute the TV so you don't wake anybody up and you sit on the couch and watch the people on the screen laugh. Your mother looked happier back then and you have a chance to notice how beautiful she was when she smiled. She's dancing with you in the living room to a Billy Joel song and you watch yourself laugh so hard you can't breathe. You wonder if you'll ever be able to laugh like that again. Suddenly the camera shakes a little as your dad sets the camera down and walks over and picks you up and blows on your stomach and places a kiss on your cheek as your mom comes over to hug you both.

You find yourself smiling and crying at the same time. You don't know how everything went downhill so quickly. You don't know why your father decided that moments like these weren't good enough for him. You don't know why your mother gave up on raising you and turned to men who decided they liked to beat her more than they liked to love her. You don't know why you gave up on trying to get help.

The couch dips and you smell the familiar scent of your mother's diner near you.

"I'm so sorry Maya"

"It's fine," you whisper back even though everything that's been going on is the furthest from fine you've ever been.

There's a silence that engulfs the two of you as you watch the people on the TV. It' s hard to imagine that you were once that little girl and your mother was once that happy. You want so badly to go back to that time and feel so together again. At the very least, you want to feel like your mother was there for you again.

"Do you miss him?" Her voice is coarse, like she wants to cry but she doesn't have the energy to.

You think about the question for a while. He left when you were so young but you still remember bits and pieces from when he was still here. Sometimes when you watch these videos you think you miss him but truthfully, you miss the feeling from that video, not him. "No," you finally respond "but I miss you."

You hear your mother let out a breath that you didn't realize she was holding. "Baby, I'll try to cut my hours some more, but-"

"That's not what I meant."

She turns her head to look at you for the first time that night, her eyes glassy. "I'm just so tired, Maya. I can't fight back anymore. I'm trying my best, okay?"

"Maybe you think that's good enough for you," you begin, choking back tears "but you forgot about me. I can't do this anymore either and I just really don't know why you decided I wasn't good enough to fight for anymore."

Before she can respond you get up, pick up your shoes, and walk out of the apartment. You're angry and you're sad and you know that any promise that your mother would make that night would be broken within a day over a bottle of whiskey.

It's the middle of the night in the middle of downtown New York and you know that this is not a good place to be but you feel like you're suffocating and everything has been so hard and you cannot be in that apartment anymore. Not when every time you walk in you remember what he did to you. How he forced you onto that bed, how you refused to cry even when you felt like you were splitting apart. Not when every time you see your mother you remember how dead her eyes looked even when she cried for you and told you she would take care of it.

You don't realize where you are until you look up and see the familiar brown stones that make up the Matthew's apartment building. You're hardly a stranger to the building anymore and you climb up the fire escape and slowly open Riley's window. She never keeps it locked anymore just in case you need a place to stay.

Your surprise yourself when you walk past her and into the living room instead. If it was 6 months ago you would have woken her up and talked through everything. If it was 6 months ago Riley would tell you everything would be okay. If it was 6 months ago you would have believed her. But it's not, and everything's different now. So instead you curl up into a ball on the couch and try hard to decompress.

You know they worry about you and you hate it because you hate making them feel hurt. You've tried so hard to be happy for them but lately you think that everything has become so obvious. You've lost 35 pounds in 2 months and you can feel Topanga's concern every time she puts food in front of you and watches you like a hawk as you push it around your plate. You can hear it in her voice when she asks if you want to stay for dinner. You can see it on her face when you say no.

Mr. Matthews was silent for a long time until he found you hiding in his classroom during lunch and knelt down and begged you to start taking care of yourself. You could have told him everything in that second, but instead you just whispered that you had a really bad headache and couldn't bring yourself to eat that day. It didn't excuse the fact that you had been avoiding lunch for almost 3 months now.

Riley was much more easier to deal with. She definitely noticed that you had changed but you've known how to avoid difficult conversations with her since she first found out that your father left you when you were three and a half. Riley's always been a princess and all she's ever wanted was for you to be as happy as she was, so much so that she was never skeptical of your fake smiles and white lies. It's always been easy convincing the girl who grew up in a fairy tale that you were okay.

You're lost in your thoughts and you think the room might be spinning and all you really want right now is 10 shots of vodka and you're blocking everything out so much that you almost don't notice a blanket being draped over you. You open your eyes immediately and sit up to see Mrs. Matthews standing above you.

"Oh I thought you were asleep" she says softly, exhaustion dripping off her voice. She's been working on a high profile case that has been all over the news lately. You feel immediately guilty for coming to the house this late at night.

"No, I was just resting. I'm so sorry I woke you up. You can go back to bed, I'll leave,"

"Maya, it's fine. I wasn't asleep, I've been working all night. It's okay if you stay, I was actually craving some company," She sits down next to you on the couch so your shoulders are touching and you take a second to admire her. She's always had the talent of being able to sound commanding and caring all at the same time. You wonder how she sounds in court.

"Well I'm not sure if I'm the kind of company you're looking for," you reply and notice how tired your own voice sounds.

'

"I think you're just fine, Maya,"

There's a quiet that takes over the room as you sit next to each other and take in the comfort that comes with it being the middle of the night.

"Prom's in a few weeks," Mrs. Matthews brings up after a few moments

"Is it?" You say, feigning interest. Riley had been talking about it nonstop since October.

"Mhm, have you started looing for a dress yet?"

"I don't think I'm going to go this year," You reply and feel her look over to you slightly.

"Why not?"

"I don't know. I don't really want to go through the trouble of getting ready and it's not really my thing. Plus it's only junior prom, there's always next year if I regret my decision,"

"How'd Riley take that?"

"I haven't told her yet," you mutter and it takes a second before both of you let out a laugh.

"My daughter is probably the most stubborn person I have ever met," she says with a soft tone.

"She's definitely something," you reply with a smirk. A moment passes and suddenly you feel Mrs. Matthews pick up the blanket and drape it over your shoulders and then wrap her arm around your small frame.

"You're shaking,"

You look down and you see that she's right. You're always cold and you don't even realize when you shake anymore. You suppose that's a bad sign.

"I'm worried about you, Maya," she whispers as she turns her head to look in your eyes "We all are."

"Don't be, I'll be okay," you whisper back with a voice that's not as strong as you would like. Mrs. Matthews stares back at you with a gaze that almost breaks you and you feel your resolve beginning to break down. You sometimes dream of this moment. You dream of breaking down and being hugged and feeling okay again. You would never admit it but sometimes you dream of being their daughter and being a Matthews and being a princess with a fairy tale life and the perfect family and even a prince to love you. You dream of happiness.

Eventually she breaks her gaze before you can completely break down and pulls you in a little tighter and you don't know if its' for her sake or your yours but you end up laying your head on her chest anyways.

"I know that you've been strong for Riley, for us, for your mother. I know you've been strong for everyone for so long but you don't need to be right now. Not for me. I know pushing you to talk won't do anything for you, but when you're ready to talk, I'll be here and so will the rest of this family. Always." Her words make it a little easier to breathe even though you feel worried and you want to scream at her that you're really not that strong and you don't know if you'll ever be ready to talk but you don't know what to say and you don't have the energy to speak anyway, so you don't.

You stay silent and allow yourself to be held. Mrs. Matthew's leans back so the two of you are laying across the couch and you feel yourself start fall asleep to the sound of her heartbeat. You feel warm and for the first time in 6 months you feel calm enough to fall asleep.

The last thing you feel before you drift off is safe.


End file.
